The Shit That's In My Head

It seems these days that nearly every human  on the planet...no, wait, that's not true.

Let's start over:

It seems these days that nearly every human in AMERICA has been diagnosed with at least one thing that requires a pill. Sometimes, it's a minor thing that 'requires' a pill, that then causes a side effect that requires another pill...and becomes a vicious cycle.

It occurs to me that this sort of thing doesn't happen in places like China.  Just here.  Must be a wierd medical phenominon or something in our water supply, right?

Yep.  That must be it.

All of this leads me to wonder...If I were to ever surrender myself to a guy in a long white jacket, just WHAT would he diagnose ME with?  I mean, supposing I would grant him full access to the shit that goes on inside of my head, that is.  Just thinking of it causes me to have hot flashes.  I feel my pits start to burn as the beads of sweat form, and my top lip gets wet.  I'm thinking I wouldn't be let back out, fo sho! 

Therefore, in honor of my undiagnosed disorder, LOL, I decided to offer a one-time access pass to you, my friends.  Simply swipe it at the door, and you will gain entry to the room in my head that I like to call:
Things I am Gonna Ask God Someday

Yep.  That's right.  I keep a perpetual mental list of questions that I plan on asking the Big Guy someday when I get there.  I'm convinced that He knows I'm making this list, I mean, they don't call him Omniscient for nothin.  That being said, I have it in my head that He is going to let me drill Him with questions upon my arrival.  Even if that's not typically in the rule book.

I figure I will get there, and He is gonna give me this look.  You know, the one your mom gave you when she knew damn well you did something you weren't supposed to, but she just stood there and looked at you and waited for you to fess up to it?  Yep.  THAT look.  I know that inside of His head, He will be thinking, "Crap.  It's her.  Here we go...."

He will take me into a little room with cloud walls, lock the door, and say, "Okay.  Lay it on me."  This room will undoubtedly be sound proof, as He will not want anyone else to know that He is doing this.  When I am done, I'll bet He has one of those Mind Eraser wands like in Men in Black, and He will click it in my face so that I have no recollection of what has occurred.

So....what are some of the things on my list, you ask?

10.  What's up with mosquitos?  I mean, seriously, do they HAVE an actual purpose? 

9.  What happened when you made the pig's tail?  I mean, I thought those things were supposed to do things like swat flies and stuff?  I'm sorry, but them dudes are not swatting anything with that spring you stuck on their butts.  Was the pig originally going to bounce around like a Tigger, but then you changed your mind?  Did they do something to lose those priveleges?  What was it?  Huh?  Huh?

8.  Since this is just between me and you...you can be honest here.  What are some of the things you created and then regretted?  Come on.  I promise I won't tell.  I know you don't make "mistakes"....but surely there was something you made and then later said, "Damn.  FAIL!"

7.  About these aliens people keep talking about.  UFO's, alien sightings, crop circles...
Are they the next phase of humans that you are going to use to replace us when we screw everything up irrepairably and you decide to press "The Button" and get rid of us all?

6.  Is the Bermuda Triangle somehow a secret vortex to Heaven/Hell? 

5.  What is up with Angelina Jolie?  I mean, did you design her to be so wierd, or did she do that all on her own using her Free Will?  I mean, seriously.  This broad carried a vile of blood around her neck....and it wasn't even Brad Pitt's.  I mean, at least that would make a little more sense.  Billy Bob's blood?  That seriously just sounds like something you would buy in a little packet at a Convenience Mart.  "Billy Bob Blood."  Right next to the Billy Bob Teeth and the trucker hats.  Admit it, Big Guy, even you were scratching your head on that one, right?  I mean, was she gonna use it to clone him in the event that the end of the world came and he didn't make it to the island in time?

4.  What's up with those big creepy caterpillar things that eat tomatoes? How is it possible that they can get so enormous so fast? And why do they have that pointy sticker thing on their butt? Were you bored and just thought you would create at least one thing that was yucky and mystifying, just to see what people would say?


3.  Jersey Shore. I just don't get it. I've tried to wrap my mind around it. I've tried drinking prior to it coming on, thinking that if I were as drunk as they all are, maybe then it would be funny. And now, seriously, you have let Snooky reproduce? Were you on vacation, and someone else was watchin the big board with all of the screens and monitors on it, and this one just snuck by em? What happened? Yiza. What is this gonna do for mankind?

2.  Childbirth, periods, UTI's, yeast infections.  I have my own theories on this, and would like confirmation that I am right.  It's all Eve's fault, isn't it?  I mean, the Stork was actually real, wasn't it?  Babies were gonna be delivered in a big cloth-wrapped bundle by an adorable bird...then that hag had to go and ruin it.  Let me just tell you, she is gonna get an ear full when I get there.  Her and that apple....
There were no periods in the original plan, either, were there?  Nope.  Bet not.  There was no need for speculums, giant Q-tips on steroids and stirups until SHE came along.  Now look at us....

1.  Men.  Enough said.


If you would like your questions added to my list, drop me a line.  All requests must be submitted in writing, and will be reviewed by the powers that be, and a response will be submitted in 24-48 hours. 
:)
Have a Happy Tuesday!