Hoarders: Children's Edition

Am I the only one that is noticed there is nothing on television anymore that is actually entertaining?  After a long day of the real world, I look forward to getting my kids to bed, putting my feet up on the couch, grabbing a bowl of popcorn and watching a little mindless television.  I admit it, I'm a typical American in this way. 
So why is it that I am struggling to find something to actually WATCH?  I like 2 Broke Girls.  I enjoy The Big Bang Theory and Last Man Standing.  Two and a Half Men?  Funny (well, admittedly it was funnier with Charlie, but it's still okay).  I love, love, LOVE Drop Dead Diva and Justified...other than that, nothing to ever watch.   Note that none of the above are reality shows.  They are ficticious.  I like that.  I live in the real world all day, every day, 365 days a year.  I have no interest in watching other people live their lives.  I have my own chaos, my own occassional drama.  I don't need your THEIR drama too.

However, I had an epiphany yesterday.  I think I have tapped into an unused source in the reality tv world.  It happened when my 5 year old blurted something out that made me shake my head, and it occurred to me how often this happens.  I got the last stick of lip balm out of a 2-pack and handed it to him.  What he said next made me nuts.  "Can I have the box?" 
OMG, dude, no....you cannot have the box.  This box measures maybe 1"x2 1/2".  It's maybe 1/2" tall.  What in the world is he gonna do with this box?   I can tell you the answer.  It's gonna go in the floor with the other boxes, random tags, bread ties from the produce department at the grocery store, which he twists into animals while going thru the store, then proceeds to bring them home and drop them in the floor in his room.  At any given time, you can find $1.25 in change, a watch battery, an acorn, a long piece of thread, fishing line, 5 screws, 3 cards from Candy Land, at least one large washer, tiny rubber tires from monster trucks, 2 pieces of used tape that have been applied and removed so many times they are no longer sticky, and 4-7 small legos in this kid's floor.  He loves keys.  He loves washers, nuts and bolts from his uncle's garage.  He especially loves any small box he can put some of his miscellaneous pieces and parts in.  He nearly levatated above the ground the day he came home with a small matchbox filled with tiny washers from the garage. 
Yep, my kid is a hoarder.
In his defense, he does use most of these items at least once before leaving them to be a trip hazard in his own home.  He manufactured a 'mobile home' for his small puppy dog this week using a playdough box, scissors and 4 wheels he scavenged off of something.  Right now, as we speak, he is using wheels he found in a cabinet and a piece of foam core to fabricate a hand-crafted skate board for his stuffed animals.  He ran out of screws, and I noticed him using the missiles from his Finn McMissile car to affix the wheels to the foam core.  He's clever, you gotta give him props.  But I swear I'll be doing good to get 5 years out of my new frontload washer with all the crazy stuff that comes thru in this kid's pockets!

While I'm making confessions, my 10 year old has issues herself.  She is more of a "I may use that someday" hoarder; while 5 is an "I'm gonna build something super awesome with that" hoarder.  10 will actually seriously salvage any piece of ribbon, string from a package, bow from a gift, tissue paper, itty bitty scrap of fabric, miniscule piece of pretty paper or microscopic remnant of anything 'fancy.'  Then, one day while she is at school, I come in and spend the entire day cleaning her room.  There, I find things shoved into the the depths of her closet, like 4 mismatched socks, scraps of fabric the size of a nickel and shredded toilet paper intended to create a fluffy place for a tiny eraser in the shape of a panda to nest himself.  I spend 10 minutes getting all of the tiny strands of thread from her carpet from all of her sewing adventures, and throw away 4 of the little paper cars from Steak n Shake that they give with a kid's meal...you HAVE to keep those in case a stuffed animal needs wheels.  Let's not be stupid about this!

They are crafty.  I don't mind that.  But why, oh why, do I have to continually pick this stuff up and throw it away?  And how, oh how, does it find it's way back?  It's like Toy Story, when Buzz and Woody get left at the gas station and have to find their way back home.  I throw this crap away, I swear I do.  Is it possible I am hallucinating?  Maybe I dream I am throwing it away, and really I'm not? 
My vacuum cleaner could tell a few stories, let me just tell you.  It's sucked up more than it's fair share of things it probably shouldn't have, simply because at some point I just give up and decide it's either gonna suck it up or blow up! 

Some day, 5 will be a rich entrepreneur, who has developed something fantastically unique that everyone simply MUST have.  It will probably be made out of something ridiculously simple, and everyone will think "Why didn't I think of that?"
10 will have an organic bakery, which she is already writing down recipes for.  She will probably use all of her craftiness to make each item a work of art, with hand-crafted wrappers and pretty things to adorn them.

Someday.  And when they do, mom will be right there to root them on.  I'm already preparing for how I will welcome them into their new adventures in adulthood. 

When they turn their heads, I am gonna sprinkle random tiny objects all over THEIR floors and simply walk away.  I will leave sticky handprints all over their windows, crumbs on their tables and soap squirted all over the sink in the bathroom.  I will overflow the trash can with tiny snot-rockets of toilet paper, insist on using 5 different drinking cups each day, leaving all of them on the table at the same time, and never scoot my chair in when I get up from the table.
And finally, for the piece de resistance, I am determined to learn to pee all over the seat in the bathroom, too. 

My kids are hoarders.  But they are cute.  They are slobs.  But they are sweet.  Someday I'll be sad that this phase is over.  And then the fun will begin all over again!


Paybacks, my friends.  All in due time.