Recently, I almost had to enter a day facility as the result
of a 2 day People of Walmart bender. I
was having a crappy day at work, and needed a bit of relief. I heard angels sing as the phrase, People of
Walmart’ entered my subconscious. As
soon as I hit that ENTER key, a peace came over my soul. Before I knew it, all the curse words had
left my lips, replaced by laughter that flowed like water.
AHHHHH......this is what I needed! Words and phrases began to fill my mind. Scenarios of what these thong-bearing,
mini-skirt wearing, chain and collar adorned Walmartians must be thinking began
to overwhelm my brain.
A man wearing the back end of a donkey that extends about 4’
from his rump? Check!
60 year old man wearing pink thong that extends from his
saggy jeans as he shops for ice cream?
Check!
Multiple men shopping TOPLESS, some with their pants sagging
and a major case of crack-a-ritis showing?
CHECK!
Before I knew it, I was stress free. I shared some of this on facebook, innocently
enough, figuring that maybe someone else could use something stronger than
squeezing a stress ball. Why? Because I’m a giver. That’s why!
Well, I was a little surprised when I got called out for
being a mean girl by someone. Many enjoyed my menagerie of mayhem....but at
least one thought I was being unfair.
After I thought about it, newly released from my stress-induced stupor,
I could see how it could come across that way.
I suppose I thought that, since I hadn’t TAKEN the pictures, that it was
all in good fun. Each photo documented
people who had willingly walked into The Wal Martz (yes, a place this dynamic
should obviously have a The in front of it.
Like The Ritz or The Fonz) looking this way, like, on purpose. I didn’t make fun of an unattractive
person. I would never joke about someone
with a disability, or anything of the sort.
I was simply making a funny about a few people who opted to flaunt the
adornment of a whale tail to their fellow Walmart Shoppers, and at least two
who shopped for bread and cereal with their significant other, all the while
wearing a hefty collar that was clad with a sturdy chain secured to the
cart. Ummm, perhaps the CD player ate a
Rihanna CD and was stuck on the song S&M.
Subliminal messaging at it’s finest?
Look, I don’t claim to understand the die-hard
Walmartians. They are a breed of their
own. Personally, I avoid the place like
the plague due to fear of suffering anaphylactic shock from the allergy I have
to that quantity of weird within a 20,000 square feet perimeter. But, hey, that’s just me.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I didn’t intend to
come across like a bully. I was simply
being silly, blowing off some steam, and having my own kind of Calgon
moment. Anyone who knows me knows that
I enjoy an appetizer of fruitcake once in a while. But I am far from mean. If I came across as less than Christian, I
apologize to you AND The Big Guy.
All of this being said, and now that the air is cleared of the
unique smell of fried chicken when it mixes with Bridgestone tires under one
roof.....can we at least have an open
conversation about what in the world draws you people to this place? Honestly?
Candidly?
I want to understand.
Help me....Help YOU.
I will give you one point for the mere fact that you can get
several types of items under one roof. I
mean, if you need a gallon of paint mixed, condoms AND potato salad....and you’re
in a time crunch on your lunch break.....I suppose THIS is the place to go.
But, really, truly, deeply, from the bottom of my heart.....The
place gives me a freakin rash. I may go
in that joint 3-4 times a year. And,
seriously, it is ONLY out of absolute necessity. For example:
I have some super awesome food allergies that make me unable to eat any
type of grain. Yay, me! Popcorn chips are my only way to feel
half-way normal and eat something like salsa or nachos with my family. When I discovered them at Walgreens, I was
thrilled! Imagine my depression when
they discontinued them. When a friend
told me that The Walmartz had them, I held out.
I was not going in there. In the
words of a George H. Dubya skit, ‘Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent!’ However, in a moment of
weakness, craving regular people food, I caved.
Dangit! Chalk that one up to #1
of my 4 per year allotment.
A few years ago, I was in the market for a new cell
phone. Again, someone told me that
Walmart had the iPhone for a crazy cheap price.
I felt my soul shudder as I pulled into the lot. I felt like a traitor as I walked,
butt-puckered, thru the lot just wanting it all to be over. As luck would have it, there was a line. Yay, me!
It did, however, allow me the free-time to soak in my surroundings and
observe humanity at it’s finest. What I
saw shocked me.
The best sample of what can only be described as the reason
that Jefferson County gets such a bad rap came by me in fresh, living
color..right thru the electronics department.
Mine eyes had seen the glory of the coming of Jefferson County’s finest.
No, not the fuzz! A mother,
pushing a cart loaded down with several cases of Yoohoo drinks and about a
zillion frozen pizzas. This thing was
bursting at the seams with nutritious, delicious food for her family. Like a mama duck, she led her Tween daughter
thru the aisles with precision. Said
tween duck had her nose stuck in her phone, texting as she walked and never
breaking the glare of concentration she had obviously mastered. She was one with the phone. As the herd approached me, my eyes settled on
mama duck’s neck. As her cart clickity clacked past my toes, I
realized what it was I was seeing. Like
an explorer in the Serengeti, I was being granted limited access to a rare
creature. The adornment on her neck came
into focus as she approached me. Much like a tiger after battle with a
gazelle, she showed signs of a recent battle.
Obviously, she had reigned victorious, and was preparing a celebration
feast. I’m not sure if she lived with a
bobcat, or perhaps she was also shopping for a new vacuum cleaner because hers
had gone horribly awry....but this mama had hickeys from the collar of her
shirt, all the way up her neck, and behind her ear. She looked like someone had attempted to
shove her head thru one of those Dyson hand dryers at Whole Foods that was
somehow in reverse. It was a miracle she
had survived! I watched in horror,
imagining the scene as it unfolded, and wondered if baby texting duck had been
a witness to the whole thing. And, here
they were, in the store together. Baby
duck was obviously old enough to know what those horrendous marks on her mother’s
neck were. Good grief. THIS is what I’ve been missing all this
time? I’m sorry, people....but there are
NOT scenes like THIS at Target!
Now, I will admit, I have used the photo department a couple
of times to do poster sized enlargements.
Somehow, the people using the photo computers appear to be normal. I haven’t quite put my finger on it yet, but
I’m wondering if there is a back door that leads straight into this department
that is only for VIP customers. I’m
going to look into this prospect.
Now, knowing that I only enter the Double Doors of Doom when
absolutely unavoidable; it should be obvious that I ALWAYS fall into the ’20 items
or less’ category. Oh, how I wish they had
a 3 items or less line. I should see if
there is a comment box someplace and submit my request. Now, being in the Express lane, I’m always
intrigued by what Walmartians purchase.
Again, I am assuming that it’s the ability to buy multiple genres of
items under one roof that gives this place it’s appeal. I stood behind a sweet older woman once who
loaded her items onto the belt and caught my eye as she purchased the
following:
3 frozen meals
A container of Activia yogurt (a girl’s gotta stay regular)
A 40 pound bag of Weed and Feed
Bananas
Spectracide (not spermicide, thankfully. THAT would leave a mark on my soul that time
could not erase)
A single can of cat food (I found this quantity odd. God, I hope she wasn’t going to lace it with
said Spectracide)
Fruit snacks
A package of toddler Training Pants (I can only assume the
Fruit Snacks were rewards for said training pants wearer)
I get it.
Convenience-wise, the place does cut down on stops on a Saturday
afternoon. But, there’s something about
the way that place makes me feel that just outweighs that convenience. Am I the only one that feels this way? Nevermind the stories of unfair employee
treatment, products being made in sweat shops in order to keep cost down, or
that stupid yellow smiley face guy on all the dang Rollback signs. There’s something about shopping in a place where, at any given time, some ole
boy could come around the corner with his bare belly resting on the handle of
the shopping cart that sends shivers down my spine. Any place that has to post a sign at the door
that says, ‘NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE,’ but then blatantly throws caution
to the wind and lets the topless crowd frolic about in the Toy Department gives
me the willies!
So, I say to you, oh wild and crazy Walmartians.....
If your budget does not allow you to shop anyplace else, due
to economic strains, then you, my friends, are free to shop where you
wish. You get a golden ticket.
But, for the rest of you who do this willingly to yourselves
and shave at least 10 days off of your lifespan each time you walk into the
fluorescent lights of shame.....I beg of you.
Do not discount the phenomenon that is a GROCERY store. They sell groceries. Lots of them.
Need shorts or a DVD?
Take a stroll thru Target.
Witness the healing power of fully clothed shoppers and employees who
get good benefits.
Hop into Walgreens to
grab a 12 pack of Cha-Cha-Cha, Charmin.
Go by Sherwin Williams
for your paint, then buzz by your locally owned hardware store and grab the 3
screws you need to hang that mirror. You’ll
feel GOOD when you are done. Not
slightly filthy, and questioning whether or not you were visually fondled by
the guy at the gun counter. GUN COUNTER,
people. I’m sorry, ammo and Ex-Lax
should not be run across the same price scanner! It makes me need to poop just thinking about
it. No Ex-Lax required.
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