Coffee....It's a Food Group, Dammit!

Good Thursday Morning, peeps!
I'm soaking up some beautiful breezy morning from the ole porch swing, coffee by my side, before I have to do real work.  Oh, and the weather man says it's gonna be something ridiculous like 109 degrees today....so I'm gonna spend a little time outside before it begins to feel like Satan is standing on my lawn. 

Sitting here, coffee by my side, it occurs to me that something is wrong in the world.  Yesterday, I had a quick conversation with a chick my age who casually made a comment that turned my universe upside down.  I actually felt my ear hairs begin to spasm, the left corner of my lip began to do an Elvis twitch, and I think I experienced what I have heard refered to as anal puckering.  What she said sent chills down my spine, and they were multiplyin....it was electrifyin....

She said...............................................
(gasp)
'Where is Starbucks, again?'

And then, the worst profanity that ever slipped out of a woman's lips in the history of the world........

'I DON'T DRINK COFFEE.'

I looked at her as though I just watched her take a bump from Charlie Sheen.  I could not compute the words coming out of her freshly lipsticked lips.  I saw them moving, but it was as though I were in a dream where time slowed down and I knew there must be words exiting her face, but they all came out like Japanese.  Surely I was misunderstanding, or maybe my internal translater was defective and what she actually said was "I need a new transmission."  Yeah, that must have been it.

'What the Hell do you mean you don't drink coffee?' I replied sharply!  'You are a mother.  You have to drink coffee.' 

This sent me into a tailspin, and I am nearly positive that I will need counseling in the future to assist me in overcoming the mental anquish that will surely torment me for years to come.

All of this got me thinking that I need to push for legislation to actually modify the food group pyramid.  I am thinking of speaking with Michelle Obama about this.  She is all gung-ho about food, farming and repairing the youth....surely SHE drinks coffee.

Actually, I think now they have changed the pyramid to a plate.  I guess it's easier for all the little fat kids who eat suckers for breakfast to understand a plate than a pyramid.  It looks like this:







My proposition would simply push to add coffee as a food group. It is full of antioxidants.  It stimulates the production of cortisone and adrenaline, two stimulating hormones. 

Finally, the most compelling argument of all:
A May 2012 study by the New England Journal of Medicine found that, during the course of their study, coffee drinkers "who drank at least two or three cups a day were about 10 percent or 15 percent less likely to die for any reason during the 13 years of the study.

Why, you ask?  Probably because coffee is NECESSARY for maintaining a civil attitude toward morons.  It is a pre-requisite for mothers, as it allows us to not choke someone to death for leaving the stool out in the middle of the floor in the dark that we proceed to stumble over and nearly kill ourselves.  It assists us in having enough composure to simply practice deep breathing in a dark closet for a few minutes instead of walking to the garage, getting in the car and driving away.  This is typically frowned upon by most police municipalities and I believe is called 'Child Endangerment'....which they tend to advise against.

Therefore, people, coffee saves lives!  I mean, the damn New England Journal of Freakin Medicine said so. 

Come on, Mrs. Obama.  Get your crap together.  Hear the words comin out of my mouth....or fingertips in this case, but now we're just splitting hairs.  I propose that we modify the food group triangle, pyramid, plate or whatever else we choose to transform it into.  Per my research, I believe it should be relatively easy to impliment.  See diagram below:

As you can see, we simply need to get rid of the 'Dairy' cup.  Everyone knows that traditional milk is now so filled with hormones and antibiotics, and watered down, that it really isn't helping anyone anymore anyway. I see no place on the food group plate that indicates 'Organic' dairy...therefore, I propose we just flop the coffee right on in that cute little colorful picture and get 'er done. 

Coffee saves lives.
I am nearly confident it has played a direct role in the salvation of the other humans residing in my own home on more than one occassion.  It can be served with breakfast, lunch or dinner.  In some cases, it can be a substitute for a meal.  For some of us, it does this a lot.  It is a diuretic, which is helpful for those who retain water.  It is a laxative, which helps all of the stopped up people of the world. 

Think of the joy that would overflow if everyone who is constipated could suddenly poop!  This could be a trickle down effect.  Road rage would decrease.  People with a stick up their butts may actually NOT have them up there anymore.  This means more pleasant transactions at the DMV. 

OMG.  I could be on to something!  I think I may win a Nobel Peace Prize for this. I'm thinking WORLD PEACE, people. 

I can hear it now.....all the disgruntled people of the world---joining hands, and singing Kumbaya! 

Damn.  I'm good.

I saved the freakin world this morning.  What did YOU do?