Today, it's Random Thoughts Sunday.
And....I’m thinking about underwear. Yep.
Underwear. Don’t judge me! Stop
looking at me like that!
Let’s just be honest.
We have levels of underwear, do we not?
We have our favorite underwear, we have the midgrade underwear that we
wear when we run out of our favorite underwear.....and then, we all have
back-up underwear. You know, those ones
that you absolutely hate, but for some ungodly reason you keep them? Those ill-fitting, God-awful things are nestled safely in the back of your
drawer, and sadly, they still rear their ugly heads once in a while.
We’ve all been there.
You wake up on a Monday morning, having gone to bed with wet hair. Your hair stands on end, all nappy, standing
tall like a hat on top of your head. You
scrounge up enough coffee from the bottom of the container to make a cup, and
now you have coffee grounds under your nails.
Stumble through the shower, teenie tiny sliver of soap left that doesn’t
really even suds at this point. Will you
even SMELL like soap? Not sure. At least you got wet. Shave your legs, knees down, let’s be
honest. Climb out of the shower, you
forgot to grab a towel, so you use the wet one hanging there from the person
before you. Oh, yeah, you’re off to a
good start!
And then....it happens.
You walk into your closet only to realize that you didn’t do laundry
yesterday. This is where it
starts to get hairy.
It can’t be, can it?
They’re here. Somewhere. You just gotta keep looking. You pull the drawer out further, until it
almost falls in the floor. Because
somehow THAT is gonna help, right? As
you rifle through, the curse words start to fly. Yep.
It’s about to happen. You’re
gonna pull out the backup underwear.
You consider going commando for just a brief moment. Let’s be honest, that’s not sanitary OR
comfortable.
The only real question is this: Will you go with the undies that are too big,
or the ones that are too small? If
you’re like me, you have both. You have
the ones that you wore 20 pounds ago, and on a bad day, you can roll the waist
a time or two so that you don’ t have to pull them up to your chin. Or how about those ones that fit when you put
them on, but mysteriously stretch out as the day progresses. Around lunch time, you can feel them wadding
up in the butt of your pants when you sit down.
By the end of the day you’re nearly positive they’re hanging out the hem
of your pant leg? Yeah, LOVE those!
Then you have the ones you bought in a pack without opening
them, only to get them home and realize that you HATE THEM. Loathe them.
Rue the day that they were created.
They’re tight in the butt. They
sit too low on your hips and make you feel fat even when you’re having a skinny
day. They take any ‘meat’ on your body
and form what can only be described as an underwear-shelf just beneath said ‘meat’,
displaying it proudly like a trophy on the mantle. ‘Yep,’ it says ‘I’ve had several kids and I
have a little stretched out flab right here.
Look at it, all propped up on this underwear-shelf.’ It
makes me cuss just thinking about it.
All that’s missing is some up-lighting for said showcase. And
the best news is that you bought them in a pack, so you got 7 for the price of
6 of those bad boys!
You know it’s really, really bad when you’ve gone through
all of your back-up underwear, still haven’t done laundry, and then your
resourcefulness begins to shine. You
really should just call in sick, crawl back in bed and say screw it. Seriously.
The first time you do it, you think it’s a one time
thing. You tell no one, because it’s such
a disgrace….it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Then, it happens again. I’m about
to spill the secrets of many, many women here.
If you can’t handle it, turn away, lest you be turned to salt!
When you run out of underwear, burn through your stash of ‘back-up,
profanity-inducing, may burn in Hell now because you said THOSE words’
underwear, and STILL have not done laundry…..
You wear swimsuit
bottoms. Women everywhere are
laughing under their breaths as they read this, because they know it’s
true. .
Yep. That’s the bottom of the
barrel right there, kids. No, I take
that back, the bottom of the barrel is probably when you wear swimsuit bottoms
that are too big, and fall down all day.
Now THAT is enough to piss a girl off!
The only good thing that can be said about this is that at least they
technically have a liner in them, which almost implies that they are underwear-ish. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it
seems to be a better option than wearing your husband’s boxers. Sort of.
If you squint your eyes and stick your tongue out a little. Kinda.
Right? Yes? No?
While we’re talking about this whole underwear situation,
I’d like to throw something else out there.
When in the world did underwear get so expensive? I mean, was there a cotton shortage I wasn’t
aware of? Did elastic suddenly become an
endangered species? How in the world is
4 pair for $30 a SALE? No wonder I’m
always so tempted to buy the 6 pack o’ ugly!
Yes, cute underwear do somehow help you have a better
day. I’m not quite sure on the ins and
outs of that from a psychological standpoint; but I know it’s true. Just as wearing your bikini bottom from 3
kids ago can cause you to have a really craptastic day, somehow knowing that
you have on cute undies can put a little skip in your step. Even though no one will see them but you when
you’re hovering over the stupid toilet in the public restroom wishing you’d
have skipped the iced Americano that is making your legs tremble as you wonder
HOW your bladder can possibly hold all of that!
Cuteness aside, I’m thinking of opening an underwear
store. Seriously, if you can sell
underwear for $9 a pair, and they are made of approximately 1/8 of a yard of
fabric, I’m thinking there’s a market here, people.
Have you been in that store lately? You know, the one with the 18 year old girls
that wear a measuring tape around their neck which somehow gives them a sense
of entitlement that allows them to sneer when you walk in? Yeah, THAT store. OMG, you have to search for 30 minutes,
through tables and tables of underwear from Hell, to find some that don’t have
words on the butt! As a mom, my butt
should not say KA-POW, I’m nearly confident of that. Seriously. Who is going to see this? Heck, YOU can’t even see it if you’re wearing
it, because it’s on your BUUUUTT!
Hello? I’m confused. I’m all for expressing yourself.....but this
one is kinda like expressing yourself but doing so in a note you keep under
your mattress so no one will see it.
Defeats the purpose a bit, doesn’t it?
How about the ones that say, ‘Let’s make out?’ I’ve got news for the undie-makers of the
world. There’s no need to put ‘Let’s
make out’ on a pair of underwear. I’m
pretty sure if someone can read said catch-line, the making out has already
begin. That, or the wear-er is so drunk
she didn’t realize that she left her pants in the ladies room. Either way, it’s not a good picture you’re
painting. Maybe they should consider
just printing it on the front of the garment, so said hoochie mama can make the
chosen statement when entering the room, rather than when she exits. If only there were enough room on the front
to print, ‘Buy me a drink’ and then on the back ‘That’s all it takes.’ You could make the words light up, like a fluorescent
beer sign in a bar. They could come with
a remote, and the wear-er could just press the button to activate the
words. Then, they would show through
whatever garment she was wearing. THEN
maybe it would make sense to print words on an undergarment. Now THAT would be expressing yourself! Geez.
Really, girls? Really?
For the time being, I think we’re stuck, ladies. Like it or not, we need underwear. Big ones, small ones, granny panties and
(gag) thongs; they serve a purpose.
Unless we go back to fig leaves, I think we’re stuck with them. Or, stuck in
them, depending on the status of our laundry situation. I haven’t had to call 911 for an extrication
yet, so that’s a bonus. So, next time you
find yourself examining your new underwear-inspired muffin top, or picking a
lumpy, bunchy wedgie behind your car door because you think no one can see you
there......SMILE. Some other chick
out there is also cussing and wishing she could just take a short cut and reach
in her throat and remove the cotton brief that seems to be lodged THAT high. You’re not alone.
