'Hold on just a damned minute!' I thought. My kids were pretty freakin cute when they were born, and I had to PAY to have their picture taken. I don't get it. When did we, as Americans, get so bass ackward in our thinking that this actually appears rational? As I recently read on a bumper sticker, that's nuckin futs!
Let's think about this. That magazine would only pay that if it were WORTH it to pay it. As in, they are gonna sell enough of their crap magazine to far exceed that investment. How many people buy that smut to make up for $800,000????
How much does this magazine cost, maybe $3.99? That's 200,000 that have to be sold before the photo is even paid for. And, while we are on the subject...the damn photo is on the COVER of the magazine. Hellurrrrr????? I don't even have to buy the stupid thing to see the kid! I can see it while I stand in line with my gum and tampons!
Yep. Welcome to America. Where we have an enormous unemployment rate, extremely overpriced gasoline, and we pay the wealthy to let us see their kid. WTF?
Maybe we should just start a traveling Baby Maxwell exhibit. We can put her in a glass box and pull her from city to city for all to see. Midwesterners can show up in their flannel pajama pants drinking a Red Bull and scratching their asses and say "Yup. That there is one lucky baby. I done seen it now. I can go home and die happy."
I just don't get it.
While we are talking about Jessica Simpson, why can't this girl just be left alone? Do we really need so much reassurance as women that we have to constantly slam this girl into the ground? "Oh, Jessica looks fat in this picture...let's put it on the cover of a magazine!" "Oh, she gained a whole shit ton of weight in her pregnancy....look how fat she is!"
Guess what, girls? We all look like whales when we are pregnant! Why does it make the paper when a star does the same thing? Personally, I'm relieved that at least one famous person had the balls to gain the weight and not hide in a dark corner somewhere! You know, I have actually heard that some stars will deliver by c-section EARLY just to avoid getting too big? And, we aren't stupid, we know these women are having that crap sawn off of the front of them and then walking out on stage 4 weeks later with a hot bod and saying "Oh, I just have such good genes!"
WTH ever... More like 'I didn't eat for the past 4 weeks, had 30 plastic surgeons hacking away at me and have a live-in personal trainer.' Yet, even though we know rationally that it is impossible for them to have bounced back like that, we still beat ourselves up.
Can you imagine if, in your 8th month, a camera crew showed up outside of YOUR car door as you went into the Taco Bell for that late night craving, and took YOUR picture? Then, proceeded to put it on the cover of the local newspaper?? Oh, talk about some heads rolling! "Oh, Hellllll no, they di-ent!" And yet, here is poor Jessica, obviously plump and glowing, getting her ass reemed for gaining weight. And then we take pictures of her at horribly unflattering angles, plaster them at every check out counter, and somehow feel better about ourselves???
Good grief. Sometimes I am actually ashamed to be a part of our culture at all. Here's the deal girls. I gained 60 lbs in my first pregnancy. I looked like a damned hog. I actually excreted so much oil from my pores that I left shadow marks on my bed sheets where I laid. I looked awful. I had to use a rolling cart from Travis's garage to roll my fat ass around in the garden to plant my flowers because I was too huge to kneel and plant them! I looked awful. AWFUL.
Now, granted, it took me 10 years to get back to normal. I had some extreme issues that most of you won't, as a result of the medical issues my first child had. I'm sure most of you bounce back in a year or so. But, my point is: Why is it okay to call her a hog? I can tell you, if someone had done that to me when I was pregnant, I may have actually yanked their aorta out through their esophagus and then shoved it up their butt, just for fun. I was hormonal, emotional, and twice my normal size. Do Not Screw With Me is what my shirt should have said. Just as a public safety precaution. I actually had an old man refuse to get in an elevator with me at my doctor's office because he thought I was gonna go into labor in the elevator. I was only 6 months pregnant. Reflecting, I think he just thought that I would push us over the weight limit posted on the little faded sign at the back of the elevator.
I looked like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man. I felt like hell. I looked like hell. I probably smelled like hell, given the stains on my sheets that looked like a homicide investigation was being mapped out on my bed. If my picture had shown up on the front page of the Jefferson County Leader....Girl, you know there would have been bloodshed!
Cut Jessica some slack. Take a look at the behemeth of a child she is holding in her big photo debut. The kid weighed something like 9lbs 13oz at birth. Poor girl practically gave birth to Volkswagon, and we are making fun of her for gaining weight? The kid is one month old and Jess already nearly disappears behind her in the photo. I think she came out carrying a purse, drinking a latte and wearing cut-off denim shorts. Rather than crying when she was born, she looked around the room and asked, "Where's my agent?"
Let's all take a step back and think about what it would be like to live in the fishbowl of fame. It would be nice to be rich, sure. It'd be super sweet to get paid almost a million bucks to have your kid's photo taken. But, in the end, I'll stick with my 'regular' kids, my boring life, and my stretch marks and smooshy evidence of massive bodily expansion that I cannot afford to have cut off. I'm considering going down to the local supermarket and schmoozing with the deli counter kid. I'm thinking that a small amount of lidocaine and a few strategic slices of my lower abdoment thru the balogna slicer may be all I need to get a rockin bod like J-Lo. I'll just turn that bad boy on high and hope for the best! Flat stomach, here I come! And when I'm done, I can still afford to buy groceries (once the bleeding stops).
:)
Of course, then I'll be constantly asked to climb across the hoods of cars in music videos. I'll be hounded for roles in movies, and my kids will be photographed on the playground at school. Dammit. I guess I'm screwed.
No comments:
Post a Comment